It is not rudeness, it is neuroscience

At some point in midlife, many women notice something quietly revolutionary. They speak more honestly. They apologise less. They stop bending themselves into uncomfortable shapes to accommodate others.

Instead of feeling guilty, they often feel calmer, clearer, and more like themselves.

This change is often joked about as “losing patience” or “running out of tolerance”, but neuroscience tells a much more interesting story. What is happening is not personality failure. It is the brain changing how it works.

Many women report an unexpected “midlife liberation” around this time: as they move through menopause and beyond, they become more authentic, confident, and markedly less concerned with others’ opinions. Modern neuroscience is uncovering why this happens – through a combination of biological changes, psychological growth, and social shifts that occur during midlife. Below, we explore these factors in detail, illustrating how the female brain changes and why older women often become less concerned about what people think of them.

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Menopause is a brain event, not just a body one

Menopause is usually discussed in terms of hot flushes and hormones, but it is also a neurological transition.

Oestrogen and progesterone play a major role in how the brain processes emotion, stress, and social information. During the reproductive years, these hormones fluctuate monthly, influencing how alert women are to social cues, emotional shifts, and the reactions of others.

This hormonal pattern makes women highly socially attuned. It also makes them prone to overthinking, self-monitoring, and emotional labour.

As menopause approaches, oestrogen and progesterone decline and stabilise. The brain no longer receives the same chemical signals that drive constant social vigilance.

Decline in Oestrogen (and Oxytocin Drive): Oestrogen regulates oxytocin, the “bonding” hormone that promotes connection, empathy, and the urge to “keep the peace” in social situations. As oestrogen levels dip during perimenopause and menopause, that biological push to smooth over social conflicts diminishes. In fact, brain researcher Lisa Mosconi notes that the reduction in hormonal fluctuations post-menopause can improve mood stability and emotional well-being for many women, freeing them from some of the anxiety that once came with worrying about others’ approval.

Drop in Progesterone (and Social Anxiety): Progesterone has a calming, anxiety-buffering effect on the brain via its metabolite allopregnanolone, which stimulates GABA receptors (producing a tranquillising influence). As progesterone declines in midlife, women may experience mood changes – but there’s a silver lining. The loss of progesterone’s sedating effect “removes some of the anxiety that holds women back from speaking their truth,” as one clinician explains

The result is not emotional numbness. It is mental space.

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The brain’s fear centre quietens down

One of the most important neurological changes involves the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for detecting threat, including social threat.

In younger adults, the amygdala reacts strongly to criticism, rejection, and disapproval. This is why a single comment can replay endlessly in your head.

As women age, the amygdala becomes less reactive. Brain imaging studies show that it fires less intensely in response to negative social feedback.

In everyday terms, your brain stops treating other people’s opinions as emergencies.

You still notice when someone is unfair or rude, but your nervous system does not go into overdrive. This makes it much easier to stay calm, respond thoughtfully, or simply let things go.

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The thinking brain takes back control

At the same time, the prefrontal cortex becomes more influential. This is the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, judgment, and perspective.

With age, this region becomes better at regulating emotional reactions. It helps you pause before responding, consider context, and decide what actually matters.

This is why many women describe midlife as a time of clarity. They stop reacting automatically and start responding intentionally.

The combination of a calmer amygdala and a stronger prefrontal cortex creates emotional resilience. You are not tougher because you are hardened. You are steadier because your brain is better balanced.

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Approval stops feeling rewarding

There is also a change in the brain’s reward system.

When we are younger, praise and approval trigger dopamine, the brain chemical associated with reward. Being liked feels good in a very literal, neurological sense.

As women age, this response weakens. External validation simply does not produce the same chemical reward.

Instead, the brain begins to reward authenticity. Speaking honestly, setting boundaries, and acting in line with personal values trigger feelings of relief and satisfaction.

This is why women often say that once they start being more direct, they cannot go back. Their brains have learned that honesty feels better than approval.

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Hormones shift confidence, not kindness

As oestrogen declines, the balance between oestrogen and testosterone changes. Although testosterone levels remain low, its relative influence increases.

Testosterone is linked to confidence, autonomy, and reduced sensitivity to social threat. In women, this does not produce aggression. It supports self direction and assertiveness.

At the same time, reduced oestrogen means less activation of oxytocin driven behaviours. Oxytocin is associated with bonding and caretaking. With less of a biological push to manage everyone else’s emotions, women feel freer to prioritise their own needs.

They do not become less caring. They become less self sacrificing.

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The brain also ages well

Emerging research suggests that the female brain may have advantages in later life.

Some studies indicate that women experience slower cognitive ageing than men. There is also evidence that genes from the second X chromosome, which is usually inactive, may become more active in the ageing female brain. This appears to support memory and learning.

A brain that remains cognitively strong is more likely to trust its own judgement.

And when you trust your judgement, you stop outsourcing your confidence to other people.

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This is growth, not decline

Psychologically, ageing brings perspective. Women have lived enough life to know that disapproval is survivable, conflict is temporary, and silence often costs more than honesty.

Socially, many women also step away from roles that demanded constant emotional labour. They stop smoothing situations that do not need smoothing. They stop absorbing discomfort that does not belong to them.

Prioritising What Matters: Psychologist Laura Carstensen’s Socioemotional Selectivity Theory finds that as people age and recognise their time is finite, they shift their focus toward meaningful pursuits and relationships and away from chasing others’ approval. Older women often decide, “If something (or someone) doesn’t add value to my life, I won’t spend energy worrying about it.”

In younger years, one might stress over fitting in at work or pleasing every family member; in later years, women tend to invest their energy in close loved ones, personal passions, or community causes that fulfil them. Status, popularity, and others’ opinions take a backseat to authenticity and peace of mind. As Carstensen’s research shows, “We no longer seek validation – we seek peace.”

With age comes a track record of survival and success through tough times. By midlife, a woman has evidence from her own life that she can handle challenges. She’s likely made countless decisions, some of which were mistakes, and learned from them. This builds an inner confidence that “I can handle whatever others think or whatever life throws at me.” In one longitudinal study of women over 55, researchers found that assertiveness tended to increase with age, and importantly, higher assertiveness was correlated with greater well-being, self-esteem, and even better relationship satisfaction

The brain adapts accordingly.

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The truth behind the stereotype

Older women are often labelled blunt, difficult, or intimidating. Neuroscience suggests something far more positive.

Their brains are no longer wired for constant self monitoring.

They are calmer under pressure, clearer in their thinking, and more aligned with their values. They care deeply about what matters and waste very little energy on what does not.

That is not a loss.

That is neurological maturity.

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Final thought

If you find yourself caring less about what people think as you get older, it is not because you have become cold or selfish.

Your brain has simply decided that your peace is more important than your performance.

And that is not something to fix.

It is something to celebrate.

Sources:

• Brizendine, L. (2018) The Upgrade: How the Female Brain Gets Stronger and Better in Midlife and Beyond. London: Penguin.
• Carstensen, L.L. (1995) Evidence for a life span theory of socioemotional selectivity. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 4(5), pp. 151 to 156.
• Gadek, M. et al. (2025) Aging activates escape of the silent X chromosome in the female brain. Science Advances, 11(10), pp. 1 to 12.
• Mosconi, L. (2024) Menopause as a neurological transition. The Guardian, 1 March.
• Barrientos, R.M. et al. (2019) Neuroimmunology of the female brain across the lifespan. Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, 79, pp. 39 to 55.